sometimes i think back to what i was and what i’ve become. i work every day to keep my family fed and i’d do it all for them again and again. but my 9to5 is not the end all be all for everybody. for now it keeps us good but i’m not sure if it will be that way forever and i’m scared sometimes that it won’t. then i’m also scared that somewhere in this i’ve lost me and then i’m not sure if there is a me to lose or if i should worry about that or if the very idea of losing yourself is totally narcissistic. what is me? what is the thing that i’m afraid of losing?
in a sense i worry the most about losing my edge. it’s my creativity that got me here, it’s my creativity and my skills that have me here every day. if i lose them i lose it all you know. i have to stay fresh and able to grow and produce. how do i do that in a situation where the 9to5 doesn’t let me? i can’t do that when i walk in these doors. i have to find someway to make it work on my own. i have to find some way to make it my own. i have to find some way to love it and to be passionate about it enough to pursue it every day. if i don’t i’m done.
i try to think about where it all started. where it all began. what brought me here to start with. can i ever go back there to reignite? i don’t know. maybe my fire is new. maybe i can reignite still. i don’t know. i know. i can. i will.
